Letter: To Spiders about The Rules

Dear Spiders,

I try to be appreciative of the good work that you do in my house. I am glad that you exist in the corners and crawlspaces, eating things that would otherwise annoy me. I make very few demands of you; however, I have very few rules in place to keep our coexistence smooth and happy for everyone and I would appreciate that you follow them.

Stay out of sight. Seriously, if I can’t see you, I am not going to worry about you giving me a rotting flesh wound, and therefore I am less likely to smash you. But if you cannot follow that one simple rule, please see the following rules.

Do not look like a brown recluse. I am gun shy about things that can cause rotting gangrenous flesh wounds, and I will kill you just to be safe. Note that I will not get my face close enough to you to count your eyes–so if you are brown and recluse shaped, you are likely to meet your end. To prevent me from smashing helpful, not-dangerous brown spiders, I would appreciate if all specimens that look like brown recluses but are not stay out of my sight.

Stay out of my bed. The time of day in which I find you in my bed is irrelevant–if you are there at any point I will assume that you are waiting to bite me in my sleep. I once woke with a brown recluse on my face and I have never recovered from the shock, so if I find you in my bed I will go all PSTD on you and smash yo’ ass.

Do not surprise me and run towards me quickly. If we encounter each other by accident, please amble slowly away from me. While ambling, I request that you showcase all the signs of not being a brown recluse, such that I do not smash you unnecessarily.

That about covers it. In general, if you are huge and brown (and not a brown recluse), I never want to see you. Follow these few rules and we will continue our peaceful coexistence. Ignore them and you risk being smited.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation,

Letter: To Spiders about The Rules