This is something that I wrote recently for the Craigslist Missed Connections section. The missed connections section is full of all kinds of hilarious things, like these gems:
Subject: you were going to h&h today. – m4w – 35 (Del city walmart)
Post: We talked about ammo and you was geting .45 auto rounds and you looked like you wanted to say more. Id like to take ya shooting sometime. Message me if your the hottie black girl. Hope to hear from you.
Subject: Buy For Less Meridian
I was smoking crack in my car outside of buy for less on 23rd & meridian, you smiled and came over to the car and said crack so 80’s why don’t we down some Loco and pop some vicadin. I had to go to my pilates class or we could have really hit it off. Please tell me what color were my eyes and teeth so I know it was you????
Naturally, I had to get in on the hilarity. Plus, my sister’s always wanted someone to write a missed connections for her, so I figured other people in my life would too.
Subject: Lurking in the Tubes
You: slim, dark haired, in a black wool military coat sitting alone at the Mont
Me: A complex network of zombie boxes spread across the world, dedicated to sending spam.
You had to take off your black leather glove to delete the letter that I slipped through your email’s spam filter. I realized after I had sent it to you that “Women love men well hung” could possibly be perceived as a slight, but it was a complement! I was just saying that must be why all those young ladies fawn all over you. I picked a second email to clarify, subject “COCKZILLA is the word”, but I think that one hit your spam folder. Always, my love is relegated to your spam folder.
I just know that if you noticed me, we could make a beautiful army of spambots: you with your supercomputer and mad machine learning skills, and I with my supply of supplements.
Don’t send me to spam any more, baby. When you finally realize how we are meant to be, send me an email and tell me which MAC address I am spoofing.