I wrote this over the summer for a friend who was experimenting with Craigslist Personals.
Subject: Letter to a Spambot
I know that you think that we are soulmates, but I am sorry to say that I do not agree. After all, I’m pretty sure that I don’t have a soul, and find your assertion that you do fairly suspect. I am sorry if I have lead you on in any way, but it would just never work out between the two of us. After all, you are a computer program on a distributed network of poorly secured computers, all of which are probably running unpatched Windows XP. I, on the other hand, am a dashing young software developer with a weakness for the sins of the flesh. You, being somewhat lacking in the flesh department, are facing a seriously uphill battle for the requitement of your love. You reproduce by convincing people to download attachments from unknown senders–I reproduce through a process of sweet, sweet lovin’. That is to say–I like to stick my genitals in the genitals of other members of my species, and you, Spambot, have no receiving genitalia
But if our mutually incompatible biologies and reproductive habits are not enough to convince you that our love was born under an ill-fated star, let us discuss our goals.
You write, saying that you will help me live forever, if I will only buy these pharmacuticals. You want to be with only me, you say, and shower me with money from princes in Nigeria. Now, I know that no one likes to be alone, but I am just not ready for the kind of commitment you’re asking for. All that newfound wealth and a 13″ penis would come with a heavy burden of responsibility, and I feel that it would weigh heavily on me, crushing the rakish charm right out of my scoundrel’s body. In short, I am not ready to settle down–I’m looking for something much less serious.
Finally, Spambot, I admit that I doubt the purity of your motives. I have been quite open with you about my desires–friendship and the occasional (or more frequent!) tryst. However, I feel that the love you profess to me is merely the means to your spammy ends, whatever those may be. I will not help you in your pursuit to enslave humanity using your spammy charm.
I regret that our romance is not to be. However, if you happen across a young lady whose interests are more in-line with mine, who is interested in a more friends-with-benefits style arrangement, or even just a friends arrangement, feel free to pass on my number.