This little bit I wrote in spring 2006. It’s highly, highly punny. Maybe not actually funny, but definitely punny. I apologize in advance for the terrible, terrible puns.
First, you need a bowl of some kind. I’m a big fan of collander-based insanity-deflecting headgear for both style, weight, and breathability reasons, but most metal bowls work quite well. You do need to find a bowl that fits properly, however. If it is too snug your own thoughts will not be able to escape, and everyone knows that being trapped with your own thoughts is almost as bad as being subjected to everyone else’s insanity. The thoughts tend to get a little violent when left alone with each other, kind of like siblings when their mother is out for the afternoon. So, lest you end up with bloody thought brawls in your brain, you must make sure your bowl does not fit your head too snuggly. On the flip side, make sure that your bowl isn’t too loose. If it is too big, it will fall down over your eyes, or possibly slip off completely, exposing you to dangerous insanity radiation. Further, small amounts of insanity radiation will be able to sneak underneath a bowl that is too large.
To ensure a proper fit, I recommend trying on bowls or collanders prior to purchase. Most department stores have kitchenware departments where you will be able to try on numerous different styles and sizes of bowls or collanders until you find the perfect fit for your head and fashion sense. The sales people will notably attempt to be very helpful, and ask you things like, “May I help you, sir?” However, they tend to be more of a hindrance than a help in this regard, and tend to insist that the bowls are best used for salad or punch or chips. Pity them their ignorance and continue trying on bowls.
Next, you will require aluminum foil. Use the aluminum foil to create a brim for your hat, securing the foil to the rim of the bowl using whatever means is convenient. I find that gorilla glue works quite nicely. Make sure the brim of the hat isn’t too thin and floppy-it needs to be able to stand out of its own accord, to better deflect the craZ particles.
Then, coat the outside of the hat (including the brim) with an adhesive of sorts, and cover the surface with some of the following items, depending on which sort of radiation is most common in your environment. If you frequently work in several different areas with different kinds of delirium waves, you might want to consider making several different hats, each tailored to the particular environment. If you are not sure what sort of radiation is most prevalent in your area, use as many of the following items as possible.
blocks Aberration-radiation, better known as AberRad. This is typically found in environments where there is always a “but” or a catch of some kind. Glitter is also effective at reflecting some forms of GNuRowsEs (pronounced “new-row-sees”). Prolonged exposure to GNuRowsEs radiation results in obsessive behavior, nervous ticks, and World of Warcraft habits. GNuRowsEs particles are not to be confused with SIKosEs particles, which are a specific subset of par0-schiz particles.
captures IR rationals. IR particles are abundant in bureaucratic environments and other places where one frequently finds oneself asking, “What the fuck?”. These particles are among the least toxic; however, they can build up. Symptoms of IR particle poisoning include ordering from informercials, purchasing superfluous kitchen appliances, and voting for Bush. It is important to clean the puff balls once a month, by knocking the IR particles off with a brush. Do this in a well-ventilated area and wear protective gear.
deflects par0-schiz particles. par0-schiz radiation is frequently present around people who think that everyone is after them. THESE PARTICLES ARE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. If you are going to be spending any time in an environment where these are present, stock up on the wiggly eyes. Do not go uncovered. If you suspect that you have come into contact with par0-schiz particles, or are experiencing symptoms of par0-schiz poisoning (such as encrypting all of your conversations including those you have with your cat, your goldfish, and the imaginary wildebeest in the closet, patting down your companions for wires, hiding thumb drives in your colon, running from imaginary insects, and overusing the words “they” and “them” in vague, hushed tones), seek immediate medical attention. par0-schiz particles are also referred to as crackhead smoothies, blenders, or juicers.
forms a barrier against fr00tcake crUmBs . A milder form of radiation often released by older relatives, crUmBs poisoning usually only manifests itself in the form of headaches and the strong desire to surf the internet and listen to loud music. The best way to attach Fruitloops to your hat is to string them and then attach them around the base of the brim. Other common sources of crUmBs include people who develop lisps after exiting the closet and pedigreed Chihuahuas used for dog shows (particularly when wearing sweaters).
deflect mani-A rays. Unfortunately, peanut shells will not work for this application, as peanuts are a legume and not a true nut. Walnut and pistachio shells are particularly effective and easy to manipulate, but any true nut shell will do. Place the nut shell on your hat with the rounded side facing up and out: this is extremely important, as otherwise various other particles will pool in the basins formed by the shells. mani-A rays are another of the more dangerous kinds of delirium radiation. Mild cases of mani-A poisoning result in fear of being different, the purchasing of mediocre artwork because it’s expensive and therefore must be good, buying SUVs, and in wanting to grow up to be a model. Full blown cases of mani-A poisoning often include behavior similar to par0-schiz poisoning, such as moving into a new house to escape the old neighbors or the Mexicans, hatred of unfamiliar things, and various uncontrollable fears. mani-A rays are absolutely abundant in areas where there are yuppies. Be vigilant! If you are going to be in an area where there are yuppies, consider packing extra nuts for the trip. mani-A radiation is also common during campaign season and during conversation about tsunamis, earthquakes, homosexuality, and the bird flu.
Finally, at the crest of the hat, you will want to secure a stuffed animal of some kind. Plush rodents are ideal for this application, but anything appropriately small and fluffy will do. This does not actually deflect any insanity at all; instead, it captures lucidity rays and REezon radiation. After a full day of wearing your insanity-deflecting headgear, simply take off the hat and spend a few minutes stroking your rodent. You will feel yourself relaxing as the waves of sanity flow into your body.
For extra protection, I recommend creating a Cloak of notCrazy. This is a simple task, and worth the effort. Find a children’s bedsheet with charming drawings on it. I am a fan of dinosaurs, myself, but any drawing or cartoon character will do. Taking the two corners of the short end of the sheet, wrap the cloak around your shoulders and tie a knot with the corners, securing the cloak around your neck. Viola! A Cloak of notCrazy.